Week 2 Story: Til' the Turtle Comes Home
*Record screech* I bet you're wondering how I got here. My name's Violet. This boring bunch behind me is my family. See the one closest behind me? That's my mom. Will NEVER get off my back. "Clean your shell, Violet." "Don't go to the other side of the pond, Violet." "Why don't you spend time with us, Violet." Blah. Blah. Blah.
SO obviously I decided to leave that heap of boredom and go live with my friends on the North side of the pond. I felt sort of bad about leaving, I'll admit. But they didn't even see me go. That's how much I matter to them. My friends Darlene and Moira care about me. They are, like, SUPER rich but they think I'm cool. ME. How could I not choose them? Or so I thought. After a couple weeks of hanging out and partying with the group of squirrels that live by the road, my friends told me they were leaving. Their parents had bought them a mansion up in Tulsa and they had to go, so we devised a plan. Darlene and Moira were going to hold a stick and I would bite it until we landed in Tulsa.
( Fallen Turtle )
We practiced for days. Up and down. Do you realize how heavy this shell is? I mean I work out. But MY GOODNESS. Being lifted by only the strength of my jaw is hard work. Anyways. We finally conquered it and decided to leave that day. As we took off, rising higher and higher, I looked down to see my family on the other side of the pond. They all looked so sad, huddled together. I could even say my mom crying. I couldn't resist the urge. I had to. Moira and Darlene would understand. Right? I had to say goodbye. So, with a tear in my eye I looked down and said "Goodbye, Mom." As quickly as the tear fell, so did I. I came crashing down into the pond. Broken and alone, I wept.
( Better Together )
To my greatest surprise, I suddenly felt the cold, slimy comfort of my family surrounding me. As they turned me upright, I felt my mom press her nose against mine. She assured me that she loved me for who I am, and she doesn't want to spend another day without me. They're even going to start listening to some of my music! Life is looking pretty good for me right about now. Thanks for listening and I'll be sure to check in if anything changes.
Author's Note
The original story "The Turtle and the Geese" was about a turtle who tried to fly away with the geese. While being taunted, his pride causes him to call out to them. His fall causes his death and the moral is that he should have kept his mouth shut and been respectable. I decided to take this story and make it more family-focused with an emphasis on acceptance. I switched the gender of the turtle and changed the story to first person narrative.
Bibliography
"The Turtle and the Geese" from Jataka Tales by Ellen C. Babbitt. Web Source.
Hey Lindsay, I really liked you story. The way you changed it to a 1st person narrative added a modern twist to the story that made it really entertaining. I also really liked all the pictures you added. It helped me visualize the story a lot more, and I felt like I was really part of it. The changes you made on the plot from a tragic death into acceptance and learning also gives it a different tone and I think it's nice.
ReplyDeleteHi Lindsay,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story. I like how it was told in the first person point of view. It made it feel more personal. It was like the turtle was telling me the story herself right in my house. I loved your spin on the story and made the turtle learn a lesson and not you know die. When the turtle fell, I thought it was her end. But you surprised me and kept the story going and developed more on the character. Overall, it was a great story to read.
Hey Lindsay! WOW! You did an incredible job writing this story. I felt like I was there. The detail you used felt just like I was listening to teenage turtle talking. The first person perspective made the story come alive and that's not an easy way to write. You must have spent some time on this story. One thing you wrote literally made me laugh out loud. I just felt like I could hear a turtle say this: "Do you realize how heavy this shell is? I mean I work out. But MY GOODNESS." The capitalization of MY GOODNESS also made it sound like a person was talking there, good work. In that context should it be work out or workout? I am not entirely sure but I think the latter. At the beginning of the story you have a sentence that says "Will NEVER get off my back" again, the NEVER part brings the sentence to life and sounds good. I think the sentence might should read "She will NEVER get off my back", but I might be wrong. Another sentence says "I could even say my mom crying." I think it should say "I could even see my mom crying." Overall 10/10, I look forward to reading more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteWow, Lindsay! You did a great job retelling this story. I like how you changed the tone and angle of the story while maintaining the key points. Not to mention you made me chuckle when the turtle opened her mouth. I think the first-person narrative allowed you to create a focused story and prevented you from relying on too much exposition. I also like how you had her fall in the pond instead of crashing into the ground in dying. I think that really solidifies the message of second chances, which fits with the family-oriented direction you took. I like how you started with the “*record screech*”, but I wonder if you could have added *freeze frame*. Maybe that is stupid, but I think it adds to what you tried to accomplish for the beginning. It just seems like all the record scratch stuff if followed by a freeze frame of the character. I enjoyed the story and hope to see your future work.
ReplyDeleteHi Lindsay!
ReplyDeleteYou're story was so interesting! I really loved how it kept my attention the whole time. The twist you took on the story was well done. It kept the main idea of the story still but was still different. The dialogue that you brought into the story was even more exciting. It was so funny how you put emphasis on a lot of her words. It really brought in the feeling of actually hearing this turtle talk! The animation came alive in my head. I really loved how we got the turtle's perspective and backstory. I wonder, though, if the relationship between Violet and her mom was really worth her running away. Was there more seriousness to it despite her going through what other teenage 'turtles' go through? Although it is difficult to bring in every detail, what if you make sure you backstory contain all the pertinent information. Overall, however, your story was great and I really enjoyed reading it! I truly look forward to reading your future stories! You are incredibly creative!
Hi Lindsay,
ReplyDeleteWow! To start off, I really like how you added multiple pictures to your story. I also like how simple your blog is in terms of aesthetic. Your story was an easy read because it was so enjoyable. I really like how relatable it was. I know most kids can only dream of moving away from home and having that taste of freedom is addicting. Most kids cannot wait to move out, but once they do, they become home-sick, as this turtle did. What inspired you to use the language you did when writing this story? The only feedback I have is to just re-read your story. It was great, but there were a few spelling errors. In one part, I believe you meant to say “see” instead of “say.”